There is a sound my computer makes when somone logs into MSN Messenger. My computer makes a variety of different sounds to alert me to various things. Sounds to let me know email has arrives, sounds to let me know the email was junkmail, sounds to let me know when my site’s daily statistics have come in. When someone logs into iChat/AIM, it actually speaks, saying who they are and whether they have logged in or out. But there is a specific sound to say ‘someone has logged into MSN Messenger.’
When I’m in the next room watching TV or cooking or whatever I’m doing, those sounds are useful. Helpful. They tell me that maybe I should come take a look at my email on the next commercial break, or that someone I’d like to chat with is online. Most of the time I don’t bother to jump up to see who is logging in or out; there’s another sound to alert me if they actually say something. Yet…
I’ve noticed lately that I still think of her. Every day. Lately I’ve noticed, but I’m sure it’s been going on for much longer, that there’s a sound my computer makes that makes me look at a clock and add 8 or 9 hours. Try to determine if it’s worth it to see who just logged on or whether she’d be asleep or at school. A certain pre-emptive elation comes with that sound, perhaps because it is the only sound that says I’m allowed to hear from her. Well, that and the mailbox, but mostly the mailbox seems to mean bills these days, which put me in an increasingly tough spot instead of a state of elation.
I miss her. I do. For a long time now it’s been a struggle with her. Since February. She knows the one. I worry. I worry that … she doesn’t believe that things can change. That people can change. That I have changed. That I’m still changing. Not just for her. For me. But yeah, for her too.
She deosn’t tear me up inside the way she used to. She isn’t a stumbling block anymore. But she’s still there. In my heart. Pulling strings every time my computer makes that one sound.