My family never had much in the way of Christmas traditions, that I remember. Some years the whole extended family would get together for a party, but it wasn’t a regular thing. Our immediate family’s traditions were pretty simple. A tree with a new ornament for each family member each year. Father reading about the birth of Christ from the Bible Christmas Eve. Presents opened Christmas morning. Supper by mom Christmas afternoon. Oh, and baccala.
All day Christmas Eve mom would make baccala, and every Christmas morning baccala was breakfast. Some people don’t get it. Some people don’t like it. I grew up with it. For every other thing that’s changed, baccala was always there. When my parents got divorced and dad wasn’t there to read scripture, baccala was there. When I moved out and wasn’t there for Christmas morning or an ornament on the tree, mom always made sure there was baccala for everyone in the family.
And now mom isn’t there anymore. Not to make Christmas dinner and not to put up a tree, and not to see her family’s joy on Christmas morning, and not to make sure everyone gets their baccala.
After I moved out, after my mom got sicker than I’d seen her, before it was too late, I made my mother teach me how to make baccala. It isn’t actually difficult to do, once you get the hang of it, but it took me three or four attempts before I got it right. There’s a recipe, but it isn’t really a recipe that you can follow and get it right. Too much of it is by feel, by sense memory, to taste. The first time I asked her for the recipe, a couple of years ago, she wrote it down for me as she made it right in front of me. I tried following what was written down and came up with something almost, but not quite, entirely unlike baccala. So, with some help from Zoe and my mother we worked out what was wrong the first time, and tried again, and were still wrong. Eventually, as I said, we managed to get it right, so that when family got together after my mother’s death, we were able to make baccala properly.
So, this Christmas I’m unemployed, I’m not sure where I’m going to find money to pay my bills after another couple of weeks, and I may have bought all the Christmas presents I can afford in one $6 gift yesterday, but I just tracked down a real Italian deli and bought two and a half pounds of the magical ingredient at the center of baccala. No matter what else happens, whether I get a tree up or presents or anything else, there must be baccala for Christmas. Two and a half pounds may be overkill, but if I can’t offer my family anything else, I can offer them baccala.
My older sister is married, has two kids, and this year is housing my younger brother as well. She’s got her own family, and in light of changing times is trying to make her own traditions. Which is a good thing. But they’re not my traditions. I don’t want her new traditions. I don’t even mind losing most of mine too much, though I did buy myself a new Christmas ornament this year. It isn’t just because it’s different, it’s because her family isn’t my family. She’s part of my family, but her family is not my family, and the traditions she is inventing for her family are not for me.
So, I’m going to spend Christmas Eve and/or Christmas Day making baccala, and Christmas afternoon I’ll be seeing my sister’s family and the rest of my family for a little while and I’ll be sure they get their baccala for Christmas.
So, my face is soaked with tears from sobbing at your post. You summed most of my feelings up perfectly.
I really don’t understand what you mean about “her family isn’t my family”. My husband is your brother-in-law, my children are your nephews, so how are they not your family also? The new traditions that you speak of are not necessarily “traditions” in that really not much is changing in how we do things. Christmas Eve has always been attending the candelight service at church, typically preceded by dinner with Grandparents and followed by driving around looking at Christmas lights. This year church is preceded by seeing Lord of the Rings and having pizza since Grandma and Grandpa are too sick to go to dinner this year. That is different, but not too different, and not really a new tradition because who knows if we’ll see a movie and have pizza before church next Christmas Eve.
Christmas day we will not be at Mom’s for opening presents and eating, that is different, but it will be the same people and the same event, just at a different house and again, who knows where we will open presents and eat next year. It seems to me that most things as staying the same, just maybe adjusted a little out of necessity.
My in-laws are all welcome to visit on Christmas, but they have lots of relatives to see that day and I am guessing that they probably won’t make it by my house.
My typical Christmas of opening presents at home with the kids, getting everyone ready and going to Mom and Dad’s to eat and exchange gifts, then making the rounds to my in-law’s will be very different. This year we will spend the whole day at home and I will be cooking for a good portion of the day. It seems like my traditions with my family are what has changed the most, not the other way around.
Christmas is not going to be an easy holiday. Mom was all about Christmas and it’s going to be very hard to have Christmas without her. I prefer to try to maintain as many traditions that we grew up with as possible.
Each year since I have moved out and had a family of my own we have read the story of Christ’s birth from the Bible, just as Dad always did. I didn’t have Dad to read it, so I had to adjust it. I loved it growing up and certainly didn’t want to get rid of it because I didn’t have Dad to read it, so either Warren or I read it to our children. This year we don’t have Mom to do the tree or the dinner or the baccula, or the shopping and making sure that everyone has as nice a Christmas as possible, so we each have to take over as best we can. I am glad that you are opting to do the baccula. I am glad that you are concerned that everyone gets thier share. It’s just another example of how we are all trying to step in to maintain the traditions our family has for Christmas.
So, my face is soaked with tears from sobbing at your post. You summed most of my feelings up perfectly.
I really don’t understand what you mean about “her family isn’t my family”. My husband is your brother-in-law, my children are your nephews, so how are they not your family also? The new traditions that you speak of are not necessarily “traditions” in that really not much is changing in how we do things. Christmas Eve has always been attending the candelight service at church, typically preceded by dinner with Grandparents and followed by driving around looking at Christmas lights. This year church is preceded by seeing Lord of the Rings and having pizza since Grandma and Grandpa are too sick to go to dinner this year. That is different, but not too different, and not really a new tradition because who knows if we’ll see a movie and have pizza before church next Christmas Eve.
Christmas day we will not be at Mom’s for opening presents and eating, that is different, but it will be the same people and the same event, just at a different house and again, who knows where we will open presents and eat next year. It seems to me that most things as staying the same, just maybe adjusted a little out of necessity.
My in-laws are all welcome to visit on Christmas, but they have lots of relatives to see that day and I am guessing that they probably won’t make it by my house.
My typical Christmas of opening presents at home with the kids, getting everyone ready and going to Mom and Dad’s to eat and exchange gifts, then making the rounds to my in-law’s will be very different. This year we will spend the whole day at home and I will be cooking for a good portion of the day. It seems like my traditions with my family are what has changed the most, not the other way around.
Christmas is not going to be an easy holiday. Mom was all about Christmas and it’s going to be very hard to have Christmas without her. I prefer to try to maintain as many traditions that we grew up with as possible.
Each year since I have moved out and had a family of my own we have read the story of Christ’s birth from the Bible, just as Dad always did. I didn’t have Dad to read it, so I had to adjust it. I loved it growing up and certainly didn’t want to get rid of it because I didn’t have Dad to read it, so either Warren or I read it to our children. This year we don’t have Mom to do the tree or the dinner or the baccula, or the shopping and making sure that everyone has as nice a Christmas as possible, so we each have to take over as best we can. I am glad that you are opting to do the baccula. I am glad that you are concerned that everyone gets thier share. It’s just another example of how we are all trying to step in to maintain the traditions our family has for Christmas.
Right, well. As I think we’ve been over and over over the years since I left home, I don’t think about family the way other people do. In this case I’m making a distinction between immediate family and extended family. Apart from you, April, your family is my extended family. It’s sort of a family tradition (well, at least for more years than not, in my memory) to ignore what our extended family is doing for Christmas.
Actually, we only went to the candlelight service a few times. It wasn’t particularly normal. I personally always felt it was pretty weird. And you want me to go do it at some church I’ve never been to before? No thanks. You make it a point that many of the things you’re going to be doing this Christmas may not happen next Christmas, so aren’t traditions yet, and you may not realize it, but that makes me want to be involved less. It’s one thing to become involved in someone else’s traditions, because if they were traditions then there would be some precedent for becoming involved, but you want me to come play your games while admitting that you’re just making it up as you go along, and that makes me feel less and less obligated to be involved.
Again, I’m glad to see you want to maintain as many traditions as you can, even the ones that you remember differently than I do, but you’re maintaining them for YOUR family, for YOUR kids, and I’m not one of your kids. I’m your half-brother. When/if I have a family of my own someday, I’ll probably take up more of the old traditions, but for right now, baccala is it. When I have my own kids to read about Christ’s birth to, to cook Christmas dinner for, to look at Christmas lights with, etc, then I’ll do those things.
I don’t want to make you upset, thinking that I hate you or hate Christmas or whatever, but you’re extended family now. I want to do what you do for Christmas as much as I want to do what Joe & Gwen are doing for Christmas. You’re all still family, but I don’t think it means the same thing you do.
Right, well. As I think we’ve been over and over over the years since I left home, I don’t think about family the way other people do. In this case I’m making a distinction between immediate family and extended family. Apart from you, April, your family is my extended family. It’s sort of a family tradition (well, at least for more years than not, in my memory) to ignore what our extended family is doing for Christmas.
Actually, we only went to the candlelight service a few times. It wasn’t particularly normal. I personally always felt it was pretty weird. And you want me to go do it at some church I’ve never been to before? No thanks. You make it a point that many of the things you’re going to be doing this Christmas may not happen next Christmas, so aren’t traditions yet, and you may not realize it, but that makes me want to be involved less. It’s one thing to become involved in someone else’s traditions, because if they were traditions then there would be some precedent for becoming involved, but you want me to come play your games while admitting that you’re just making it up as you go along, and that makes me feel less and less obligated to be involved.
Again, I’m glad to see you want to maintain as many traditions as you can, even the ones that you remember differently than I do, but you’re maintaining them for YOUR family, for YOUR kids, and I’m not one of your kids. I’m your half-brother. When/if I have a family of my own someday, I’ll probably take up more of the old traditions, but for right now, baccala is it. When I have my own kids to read about Christ’s birth to, to cook Christmas dinner for, to look at Christmas lights with, etc, then I’ll do those things.
I don’t want to make you upset, thinking that I hate you or hate Christmas or whatever, but you’re extended family now. I want to do what you do for Christmas as much as I want to do what Joe & Gwen are doing for Christmas. You’re all still family, but I don’t think it means the same thing you do.
I understand. With as much family as I have, xmas is one of the harder ones to deal with. I understand the concept of immediate and extended. For teel, the traditions he had was with immediate family, which at a certain age.. dissolves for about 10 years… which is the age everyone is at.. Its not something to force, the binding force of the immediate family is there no more, she will be with all of you in spirit, but not binding each of you together. This is the year when everyone beings anew, forming a new holiday with the immidiate family. Its time to let go of somethings and form some new ones. At least you will have baccala . Merry X-Mas, its about love, and as long as you have that, does it matter who is there to share it with you?
I understand. With as much family as I have, xmas is one of the harder ones to deal with. I understand the concept of immediate and extended. For teel, the traditions he had was with immediate family, which at a certain age.. dissolves for about 10 years… which is the age everyone is at.. Its not something to force, the binding force of the immediate family is there no more, she will be with all of you in spirit, but not binding each of you together. This is the year when everyone beings anew, forming a new holiday with the immidiate family. Its time to let go of somethings and form some new ones. At least you will have baccala . Merry X-Mas, its about love, and as long as you have that, does it matter who is there to share it with you?