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I woke up ‘late’ today. I was supposed to be at work at 8AM, and I woke up about 5 minutes before 8 instead. Considering the time it takes to dress, eat breakfast, grab something for lunch and drive over there -the driving is at least 20 minutes- waking up minutes before the start of my shift means being an hour or more late. Yes, if I threw on clothes, skipped the concept of food, and leapt in the car, I could probably make it there within half an hour of my start time. In fact, I’ve woken up half an hour before my start time and arrived on time to work in the past with that method. In the reality of our attendance polity however it doesn’t matter whether you’re 6 minutes late or 4 hours late; if you don’t clock in within 5 minutes of your scheduled start time and work more than half your scheduled hours you get a “half point” mark on your record, whereas if you miss more than half a day or just call in sick you get a “full point” mark on your record. It’s like they’re encouraging me to take my time when I’m late. So that’s part of why I’m not rushing out the door.

The other part is this feeling that I just don’t care anymore. Not to mention that today is … not a good day for me. Something I’m not allowed to talk about is happening today and I don’t particularly feel overjoyed about it even though I know it’s for the best. Still, that’s only one factor in what’s helping my depression to overwhelm me to the point where I don’t get to work on time.

Where I don’t want to face this world, this life.

…things are wrong… and that’s more than I can usually say when I feel this way; at least this time there are some contributing factors that other people can seen. It’s not just raw, unexplainable depression, it’s depression plus plus, now with censored!

I’ve been pretending everything was okay, I could do this, I could live this life, I could hold this job, I could have functional relationships with people…. Look at me, I bought a car! Look at me, I’m applying for supervisor! Look at me, I can have a girlfriend! Everything’s wonderful, Everything’s great! WHEEEEeeeeee….

Sigh. I should probably get on to work. We were going to be understaffed today with me there, and now I’m not there. If I didn’t have an overdeveloped (though wearing-down) sense of responsibility and a protestant work ethic, I’d probably just lay in bed all day. Today, tomorrow, indefinitely…

…but I suppose all this nonsense passes the time before we’re finally allowed to die.

Hard times. I can’t talk about most of it, out of courtesy to the various people involved in each of the various situations. Mostly the difficulty has been emotional, though there have definitely been some intellectual and financial difficulty mixed in.

I’m doing reasonably well, considering. I think the full impact of some of what’s been going on (what continues to go on) will not get to me for a while. Perhaps quite a while. Perhaps Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. Perhaps in five or ten years.

When my life returns to a realm where everyone isn’t asking me not to tell anyone about what’s going on, I’ll try to post more.

I’ve only watched 13 movies so far this weekend. Maybe just one more before bed, eh?

I hate the idea of killing myself without leaving a note of some kind, but I can never think of anything to say.

One wants to leave an explanation, but if there were people in this world who could understand what I’m experiencing, I might not prefer death over this world.