Category: Uncategorized

I’m not allowed to bitch about the things in my life I want to bitch about. I’m not allowed to talk or type about this or that or the other thing going on in my life because for some reason I’ve begun associating with people who think privacy exists and have asked me to play along. It’s stupid.

And frankly, I’ve begun to break.

I’ve begun to let things slip here and there. Things that have no business being confidential at this point. Some of which I didn’t think had any business being confidential at the time. I don’t get it. it’s like a combination of dishonesty and shame, this secrecy business. I don’t do things I’m ashamed of, I don’t like being dishonest, I don’t like other people being dishonest to me, and my general opinion is that if people are ashamed of the things they’re doing that they shouldn’t be doing them.

So what’s with all these secrets?

Why do people live lives they’re ashamed of?

Why do people lie to each other?

I can understand a certain amount of discretion, a certain amount of silence around people with known intolerances, because you can’t change other people, but leading a life you yourself cannot tolerate (or tolerate others knowing you’re living it, which seems equivalent to me) — why do people do that?

Ugh. Another post about not posting about my life. I could tell you I’m less depressed now than before, but I can’t tell you about my life, my job, my friends, my love life, what’s important to me or what’s going on and been going on to push my moods around the spectrum. I am reduced to meaning less than this, to meaninglessness.

Less than this, but about to break.

You know, forming a hypothesis, designing an experiment to test it, performing (and repeating) the experiment, and comparing the results to the hypothesis to see whether it was disproved. Not consciously, anyway. Some might hypothesize that I do a lot of casual, subconscious science all the time, but I’m not sure how to design an experiment to test that hypothesis, or that any data I collected about myself would be valid.

My brain keeps … well, it’s like I have cravings, except rather than cravings for particular foods, they’re to design and perform a series of experiments, or to use experimental design to optimize systems… except I don’t usually have anything to optimize or clear hypothesis to test, and I just continue to go about my business. Which just makes me more frustrated next time the craving comes up.

Continue reading I don’t do enough science

I don’t feel very good. Not so hot, as they say.

Sure, there are a few normal bits, a bit of a headache, a bit tired, and some of it’s probably to do with my irregular sleeping these last few days, perhaps a bit of dehydration, perhaps even related to my grandfather’s injury (though I doubt that; I don’t seem to actually feel much about anyone getting injured, sick, or dying)…

And I suppose that the bigger chunks of my bad feeling are all pretty normal for me by now, too; the thoughts of suicide I so naturally cast aside as pointless, the crushing, drowning waves of depression and occasionally anxiety, the feelings of aloneness and separation with regards to romantic relationships and my seemingly insurmountable failures therein, along with the feelings of oppression and suppression that having my family around (my grandfather & my sister and her family mostly, but dad and Heath and Angela sometimes too) seems to generate…

Continue reading Don’t feel good

So, my grandfather went into surgery on his broken hip this evening and apparently everything went well/normally and he’s in recovery now. My father has to talk to the doctors in the morning, but then he’s got to drive back up to Moab, UT to retrieve the Scamp (which is a sort of camper you pull like a trailer behind your vehicle, but which would have slowed their drive down to Phoenix to get grandfather in hospital considerably so was left behind) and bring it back… which should be until Tuesday afternoon at the earliest. But which should also be earlier than grandfather will be ready to leave hospital. So, there’s an update.

So, my father and grandfather were on a road trip up around Utah, and I’m pretty sure they were only two or three days out (they had said they were leaving Pine late due to weather, but didn’t check in with me before they did finally go) and I just got a call that grandpa fell and broke his hip. Dad called from a hospital in Moab, and I guess they’ll be in Phoenix this afternoon.

Silly cancer, eating his bones and ruining his vacation.