I miss her so much.
It hit me again last night. A friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a while, who is not aware of the events that transpired in the last year or more, brought up Sara. Specifically brought up memories of the sort of relationship I had with Sara when we were first dating, years ago. He meant nothing by it, and in the context it was a reasonable thing to do. In fact, I didn’t even overreact to it at the time, but it got me to thinking and it got me to feeling about how much she has been a part of my life and for how long.
There was a time when it was part of a common mythology that Sara and I (and several other people, for that matter) are the same person. I don’t want to try to explain more of it than that, because it basically amounts to a silly way to say that we were all very good friends; we created a little family between us. It always seemed natural to me that Sara be a part of my family. Last night I said that Sara has “moved irrevocably to Spain.” It feels like the family has now been completely torn apart, each member moving further and further away from the others. Some of them with that specific purpose in mind.
Yes, you’re right, part of the reason I keep saying I want to be alone is that way when I end up alone I can at least feel like it is what I intended. What I wanted and expected. Not what it has been in the past; a sign in my mind of failure. Certainly I appreciate companionship, but I don’t require it. I crave it, but I don’t really need it. I think that part of the problem I have is in trying to find companionship. I don’t seem to be very good at making new friends.
I meet a lot of people, sure. I have a lot of charisma, so I don’t seem to have trouble meeting people or having charming or interesting conversations with total strangers. What I seem to have a problem with is in turning them from “people I’ve met” into “people I know well, and am fond of” (ie: friends) and just as importantly, not failing to transform in their minds from just “someone they met” into “someone they know well and are fond of.” (To love, and be loved in return.) They don’t let me get to know them or one of us finds we aren’t fond of the other, or … they stop returning calls/emails.
I know I’m repulsive to people who know me but don’t know me well. I also know that people that know me well seem to enjoy spending time with me. I have also noticed that among the people that I’ve been spending time with lately (read: several weeks), the one I met most recently is someone I met over 2 years ago. A couple of them are coming up on a decade towards the end of this year, and that seems like a really long time to know someone since I’m only 22.
It’s like there’s an white event horizon people have to get past once they begin to get to know me. When they first meet me, and know nothing about me, I seem like fun to be with. Then the more that they learn about me, the more time they spend with me, the harder and harder it is for them to want to spend time with me. (Many people spend a period where they hate me. I think it’s cute.) Some people have lower tolerances and don’t get anywhere near knowing enough about me to reach this “event horizon”; it pushes them too hard, or they try to learn too much too fast, and they just run for cover. Others have either the perseverance or bad luck to continue to be exposed to me, and there seems to be a point, an “event horizon”, past which all of a sudden the resistance they had to spending time with me seems to vanish.
Ah, babbling. Such fun for everyone involved.