How’s it going to end?
So, I’m watching the Truman Show. Some of you know that since years before this movie was made I have said that I suspect that I am part of a big conspiracy very much like the one described in the Truman Show. I like the idea of it. It helps make some of the things that happen in my life, the way the world works, make a little more sense. If there’s some writer or director or huge production staff out there making decisions about who I’m allowed to spend my time with and where I’m allowed to go, then any difficulties I’ve had … finding a place to live or finding the girl I loved and lost … are related to someone else’s decisions or production difficulties.
So I found a home I really like, but when I call about it, the person who’s supposed to be representing it didn’t even know it was available. She’s never even been inside it. And I’m not supposed to be able to go inside it until they have time to install the cameras and sound equipment and whatever else they need to do for a walkthrough. I broke in about a couple days after I had called to try to set something up, and it felt like there had been someone living there just hours before I arrived. The representatives I spoke to on the phone before I even considered trying to peek in the windows indicated that it had been vacant since the middle of the month. I suspect that unless they are somehow capturing images from my eyes, whoever is producing an entertainment product based on my life just showed the exterior of the house while I was inside it that first day.
Hopefully they’ll let me take it. Hopefully they’ll get the whole place set up for the season or eight I spend living by myself in a cute little home in downtown Tempe. I even went through the house a second time and described to whoever exactly how I would layout the furniture in the rooms, so they would know how to set up the shots. I do things like that a lot.
When I’m sitting around at home, I consider the audience. When I’m in a public place I think about where the camera must be, and I turn to face them, to provide them a good shot. When I’m lounging naked in my bed, I usually strike a pose like what I would expect to see a professional photographer create, twisted a little with a sheet wrapped just so.
Maybe Amanda is like the woman Truman was trying to find in Fiji. He could not find her because the production crew decided that she was a danger to their ongoing production. Directory assistance couldn’t help him, not just because she didn’t go to Fiji, but because they were just more of the production staff. Maybe the same is true for me. Maybe Amanda was a danger to the production and maybe Sara accepted a role with another production company. We’re all pretty certain that Iain is part of a “spinoff” production, or that the audience just didn’t have a positive enough response to his character.
Things like last night just help back up this sort of theory. If this were the real world, random strangers I run into wouldn’t be people I’d known for years, and people like Tami would return my calls. I didn’t mention it, but my going to Rocky last night was foreshadowed both Friday and Saturday. Like, they wanted to let the audience know that there was going to be a special “Rocky Horror” episode of the show last night. I noticed and thought to myself “I wonder how they’ll pull that off. I certainly won’t be intentionally going to Rocky.” Yet, through inaction, I ended up there.
I have been thoroughly distracted, and about to start the next DVD. Looks like Tapeheads.
Oh, and Steve just called again for the third time today (Okay, one of them was this morning before I got home). He insisted that he wasn’t gay, but he just invited me over to his place again. He wants to make me a pizza from scratch. I don’t know if I should help him come out of the closet or not. What do you think?
Maybe Steve is just lonely, and he thought that you were really nice and cool and all that stuff and really just needs a new friend?
Or maybe your show just hasn’t been controversal enough and they really want you to explore the whole gay thing some more?
You seem to have so many love interests or people that your heart longs for. Maybe it would be best to limit it to a more specific group, like you are doing with the house search. You have that down to a one mile radius. Maybe if you limited your lost loves, future loves and wanna-be loves to that kind of scrutiny you would have an easier time of it? Just a thought.
Maybe Steve is just lonely, and he thought that you were really nice and cool and all that stuff and really just needs a new friend?
Or maybe your show just hasn’t been controversal enough and they really want you to explore the whole gay thing some more?
You seem to have so many love interests or people that your heart longs for. Maybe it would be best to limit it to a more specific group, like you are doing with the house search. You have that down to a one mile radius. Maybe if you limited your lost loves, future loves and wanna-be loves to that kind of scrutiny you would have an easier time of it? Just a thought.
My heart does not long for Steve. I keep trying to pick up new love interests to replace the old ones like Amanda and Melissa that I’ve already lost, and to distract me from Sara, who I cannot have. I took a couple of years off pursuing relationships, but began again last fall. I think I just wanted to try it out again in an adult environment. I don’t think I’ve fallen in love with anyone since Sara.
I was watching Practical Magic earlier, and one line that stuck with me was “… and fall in love as often as you can.” I totally agree. I can’t think of anything in my life that has brought me more joy than Love. Perhaps nothing has brought me as much agony, either, but that seems to be the way of things. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for. The deepest joys and the greatest agonies. Something other than just remembering the joys and agonies of a day that went before. Something about connecting with another human being in a meaningful way.
Sure, I’ll probably end up being friends with Steve. He seemed like a good enough guy, but I wasn’t in the right mindset to deal with him, I think. I like a good handmade pizza as much as the next guy. Maybe they’re just auditioning people to try to fill Iain’s spot in the fall season. Maybe they don’t like the idea of creating an entertainment product that follows the life of someone with out a close friend or a love interest. Whatever. I’ll play along, I think. If I keep the producers happy, they’ll keep me happy, right?
My heart longs for companionship. There are a few people I’ve fallen in love with, and the love I have for them is the sort that I will always have. I will always care about them and I will always think of them and pray for them. Some of them are lost from view, and some are married to other people, and some remain a possibility for future companionship. None will ever be loved any less by me.
As far as scrutiny goes, it may seem to some that the mere fact that I have fallen in love more than once is sign enough that I am not specific enough. I disagree. I am very specific about who I fall in love with. Like I fell in love with this neighborhood. I will always love it, and even if I am no longer able to live with it, I will always think back fondly on it. I looked around at a lot of other neighborhoods, researched a lot of other cities, flew out to different parts of the country and put myself in cities big and small, near and far, and while there were a few that I liked, Tempe is the first that I’ve loved.
As far as future loves and wanna-be loves go, I don’t think that it is fair of me to rule people out without giving them a chance. If Steve wasn’t a worthwhile guy on some level, I wouldn’t have given him my number, and I wouldn’t have kept talking to him when I did. If Tami wasn’t a worthwhile person, I wouldn’t have pursued her. I didn’t get the chance to fall in love with her, or even pursue much of anything with her, and I regret that a little; she is definitely worth knowing and fun to spend time with. I plan on looking into the matter of Jen; spend some time with her, learn a little more about what makes her so attractive to me (since it seems to go beyond something physical (although she is certainly not lacking there)). (I’ve just noticed that she’s posted something here just moments ago. Maybe I should ring her.)
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I know I’ve been writing a lot here. I know I haven’t been this prolific a writer since I was writing letters to Amanda, and I know that this has definitely not been the result of a “manic” phase. I know what depressed feels like. I also know that after working on it for years and years that I feel I have finally become able to be very productive even when depressed, and at least as productive when “normal” or “manic”. Having a convenient web interface helps, I think. Having a community of interested people helps too.
Sometimes I write into a paper journal or two that I have around, but I’m basically writing into a void there. Like talking to hear my own voice, it does not encourage me to attempt meaningful communication. (I just tried to call Jen’s cellphone. I decided not to leave a message. I decided not to ring her home number, since I’m certain her parents are sleeping.) This interface seems to encourage writing quite a bit. I am very comfortable in it.
I am also very tired, and have to get up in the morning to pay someone to let me float down a river on a giant rubber donut. Then, tomorrow night, I will finally get to spend some time with Sara. I say finally, because it may very well be the final time that I spend with her.
My heart does not long for Steve. I keep trying to pick up new love interests to replace the old ones like Amanda and Melissa that I’ve already lost, and to distract me from Sara, who I cannot have. I took a couple of years off pursuing relationships, but began again last fall. I think I just wanted to try it out again in an adult environment. I don’t think I’ve fallen in love with anyone since Sara.
I was watching Practical Magic earlier, and one line that stuck with me was “… and fall in love as often as you can.” I totally agree. I can’t think of anything in my life that has brought me more joy than Love. Perhaps nothing has brought me as much agony, either, but that seems to be the way of things. Maybe that’s what I’m looking for. The deepest joys and the greatest agonies. Something other than just remembering the joys and agonies of a day that went before. Something about connecting with another human being in a meaningful way.
Sure, I’ll probably end up being friends with Steve. He seemed like a good enough guy, but I wasn’t in the right mindset to deal with him, I think. I like a good handmade pizza as much as the next guy. Maybe they’re just auditioning people to try to fill Iain’s spot in the fall season. Maybe they don’t like the idea of creating an entertainment product that follows the life of someone with out a close friend or a love interest. Whatever. I’ll play along, I think. If I keep the producers happy, they’ll keep me happy, right?
My heart longs for companionship. There are a few people I’ve fallen in love with, and the love I have for them is the sort that I will always have. I will always care about them and I will always think of them and pray for them. Some of them are lost from view, and some are married to other people, and some remain a possibility for future companionship. None will ever be loved any less by me.
As far as scrutiny goes, it may seem to some that the mere fact that I have fallen in love more than once is sign enough that I am not specific enough. I disagree. I am very specific about who I fall in love with. Like I fell in love with this neighborhood. I will always love it, and even if I am no longer able to live with it, I will always think back fondly on it. I looked around at a lot of other neighborhoods, researched a lot of other cities, flew out to different parts of the country and put myself in cities big and small, near and far, and while there were a few that I liked, Tempe is the first that I’ve loved.
As far as future loves and wanna-be loves go, I don’t think that it is fair of me to rule people out without giving them a chance. If Steve wasn’t a worthwhile guy on some level, I wouldn’t have given him my number, and I wouldn’t have kept talking to him when I did. If Tami wasn’t a worthwhile person, I wouldn’t have pursued her. I didn’t get the chance to fall in love with her, or even pursue much of anything with her, and I regret that a little; she is definitely worth knowing and fun to spend time with. I plan on looking into the matter of Jen; spend some time with her, learn a little more about what makes her so attractive to me (since it seems to go beyond something physical (although she is certainly not lacking there)). (I’ve just noticed that she’s posted something here just moments ago. Maybe I should ring her.)
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I know I’ve been writing a lot here. I know I haven’t been this prolific a writer since I was writing letters to Amanda, and I know that this has definitely not been the result of a “manic” phase. I know what depressed feels like. I also know that after working on it for years and years that I feel I have finally become able to be very productive even when depressed, and at least as productive when “normal” or “manic”. Having a convenient web interface helps, I think. Having a community of interested people helps too.
Sometimes I write into a paper journal or two that I have around, but I’m basically writing into a void there. Like talking to hear my own voice, it does not encourage me to attempt meaningful communication. (I just tried to call Jen’s cellphone. I decided not to leave a message. I decided not to ring her home number, since I’m certain her parents are sleeping.) This interface seems to encourage writing quite a bit. I am very comfortable in it.
I am also very tired, and have to get up in the morning to pay someone to let me float down a river on a giant rubber donut. Then, tomorrow night, I will finally get to spend some time with Sara. I say finally, because it may very well be the final time that I spend with her.
I keep posting more in reply to someone’s comment than I posted in the original post.
I keep posting more in reply to someone’s comment than I posted in the original post.
I’m not sure that you should help Steve come out of the closet. It strikes a feeling of lonliness in me to think of it. If you don’t genuinely care for him in a romantic way you should maybe leave him to his own to figure it out.
I’m not sure that you should help Steve come out of the closet. It strikes a feeling of lonliness in me to think of it. If you don’t genuinely care for him in a romantic way you should maybe leave him to his own to figure it out.