Do I really look that gay? Sure, by body language is a little effeminate, but not overly so. I think. If I walked into the room and the first thing that popped into your mind was that I was clearly a total, flaming faggot, you’d let me know, right? I try to keep an open mind about what sort of people I’m interested in pursuing friendships & more with, so no, I wouldn’t immediately rule men out as being among the people that might be worth close, personal interaction with, but come on! Most men are pigs, who don’t know what’s important in life, or how to communicate in any worthwhile fashion (unless they’ve been trained to do so by their SO, and even then it seems to wear off as fast as the relationship they learned it for.)
Category: Journal
Boring Site (5.2.7.-2)
If the site is boring it is because there isn’t enough new stuff, right? Not enough new comics, sure, but what about everything else on the site? What about the rants and the poetry and the stories and reviews and even just posts in our forums? I can do something about not enough new comics, I can take the time to put together new comics for you. Hundreds of them, with only a little whining (and that’s usually in response to someone else whining about me not updating the site enough). I can even take what’s left of my time and creative energies and try to squeeze out some Words or a review every once n a while, but that’s still not enough.
1.2.4.-2
My life seems to deliver me into adventures all at once. Sometimes it seems quiet, and no matter how hard I try, nothing very interesting happens to or around me. Other times, like right now, life just feeds me one interesting, difficult, out-of-the-ordinary situation after another. Oral surgery wherein all four of my wisdom teeth are removed, new boss at work, possible major change in job responsibilities upcoming that is causing great tension in the workplace, trying to keep up the site and create a new daily comic strip, thousands of dollars of debt all of a sudden, trying to learn how to throw a family Christmas dinner and then throwing the dinner in the same weekend with no time for preperation because of everything else in the world that just keeps going on anyway, trying to figure out and maintain a relationship with someone that I love who loves me, in spite of many disparate options and circumstances that seem to muddy the waters of clear choice, and now a new and interesting thing to add to this long, incomplete list of the things that have been going on in my life of late: There is a man in my house who has recently been subjected to great emotional stress considering suicide and who knows what else; a roommate on the edge of tolerability as such. And he has a loaded gun.
5.1.3.-2
“I’m biting my tongue and I’m holding my breath.
I’m counting the minutes as they tick towards death.
I’m on the verge of crying, but I don’t shed a tear.
This music reminds me that it’s you that’s not here.”
The way my room is set up right now, the distant, blank walls and half-finished paintings, the strange emptiness in the middle of the room that seems to ask for something to fill it without suggesting anything but awkwardness, the tiny bed in the far corner facing just so… If I let it, this room reminds me of the last bedroom I slept in before I moved out of my parents’ home. This room reminds me of the bedroom I cam home to after spending a week with my betrothed. It seems foreign; the other room, the one I am reminded of, was literally built and painted and my stuff put in it while I was out of town. I left the safety of my family and my home and my own room to venture out into the world and seek true love (I didn’t find it that week, only disappointment and the realization that I was not mature enough to handle an important relationship properly.) and when I returned averything was different. I was different because I had just learned of some of the many ways that what was wrong was about me and not about the other or the world. My family was different because they were beginning to see me as someone who would not always be around. The most visible change though, was my bedroom, which had been completely transformed. When I had left, my room was a mess, my possessions in haphazard, random piles all over the floor, one wall half gone in the beginnings of the construction that was going to take place, and the remaining walls full of the color and shape of my first murals. When I returned the entire shape of the room had changed; it was so much larger than it had been that the middle of it had become a strange emptiness that had nothing to fill it. All of my possessions had been put together on shelves or in drawers along the walls, and my tiny bed crouched in the far corner, facing just so. It felt foreign; this was not the room that I had left, and it never could be again.
1.2.2.-2
Some part of me wants to be a part of a fairy tale beginning. (Romance in modern fairy tales – the kind I know – is all about beginnings. It tells us the story of how hard it was for true love to bring the beautiful, blessed young people together, not how they stayed together or what it was like when things settled down. Never the ending; endings are depressing. The relationship between the two lovers cannot end until both are dead and gone – think Romeo and Juliet – and modern Romance doesn’t dare face that harsh reality. We want a happy ending, so we end with a happy beginning.) I want to be thrust by the fates into the arms of my lover and in the face of adversity stay by their side so that we can be together forever. I want to come home to find that someone has run away from the insurmountable obstacles on every side of the life they want to leave behind and into the loving safety of my arms, to share their life with me. I want to have someone in my life who is actually willing to give up everything if it means staying with me, and to love them as deeply. I believe I am this willing, but I am more and more prone to belive that the world is not; that although the world likes the idea of this ideal, they choose to value things other than the people they love above all else. I want to meet someone who just fits so perfectly with me and the person I want to be and who feels the same and is willing to take the steps with me to make our lives as one. I want to be the sort of person that another person can love right away, that is worth giving something up for, that fills a hole in someone special’s heart and life. I want to be special to someone and to share myself with someone special to me.