Paper is as much a site as this

I have been struggling lately. I have been writing in other places. Writing in paper places. I have been writing the things I have been thinking, as I seem to do here. Trying to see what I’m thinking, I think. Trying not to say too much about something that involves someone that I know reads this thing. Does that form of censorship (though it does not stop me from writing) defeat the purpose of this place? Don’t I want this place to be where I can come to write anything? How do other people feel about their lives being an open book to the world, as seen through my interpretation of it, my part in it? Is it even safe to have meaningful, emotional relationships with people, knowing that I will want to write everything about it here, knowing that they will be reading what I put here? Is it just a matter of being more honest than is expected, or is it overstepping the “understood” boundaries of privacy?

I have not had a “normal” dating-type relationship with anyone in about five years. I was only dating for about four years before that. Oh, I have certainly had relationships, romantic and otherwise, in the last five years. I just don’t think I can consider any of them normal dating relationships. In the last five years I have been engaged four times (only three of them serious) (as though the difference between three and four were as significant as the difference between the zero and one are for normal people).

I did a count recently, and I have been party to sexual events with twenty-seven different people. For more info on what I mean by sexual events, take a look at this article on intimacy. Although I did not strictly use the definition given there, I have personally begun to take this type of understanding of intimacy to heart. In a more strict count, with only 12 of those people, in one event or more, were the pants of either party removed with sexual intent/action. Oh, and I am able to remember all but one or two of their names. (For those of you that care, only two of them are not women.)

I meet someone. They move away only days later. We begin corresponding by mail and are suddenly betrothed. Thousands of miles apart, and young; it does not last. She has since disappeared.

An ex-girlfriend and I decide to get engaged. Her parents convert it into Courtship, instead. Personal demons between us, and young; it does not last. She has since married another.

I once had a girl move in with me. I wanted to save her from her life. I used an engagement to try to get her to stay. She was too in love with the worst parts of what I wanted to save her from; it did not last. She has since married another.

The younger sister of a friend of mine jokingly offers to ‘go out’ with me; I say okay. We never see each other. At one point I convince her and another young woman to ‘go out’ with me at the same time. I continue to live on the other side of town. I continue to be an asshole. She dumps me. We remain friends. Years later we get engaged. Thousands of miles and years and years get in the way, and still young; it does not last. She has since moved to Spain.

I tried having relationships with a stalker or two, but they’re never serious about building a future;they’re just obsessed. A one night stand here or there as well, but only confusing for the other person since I don’t have sex. I even had a “friend with benefits” for a while, but we decided that the “benefits” weren’t benefiting either of us and stopped that a year or so ago; we’re still friends, though. In recent months I’ve tried picking up girls at clubs, but I seem to run into problems. I seem to feel like I don’t know what to do next; I know how to pick people up, but then what? They eventually stop returning my calls.

(Note: At this point in the typing, I have been briefly interrupted. A little window popped up on my screen letting me communicate directly with a computer in Spain. Weird. Good, but weird.)

For the last couple of years (Since after February ’98, to be exact) I have been intentionally not dating anyone. I had decided for one reason or another that dating was not something I was going to do. That didn’t stop people from being attracted to me and wanting to have intimate relationships (emotionally and otherwise) with me. It certainly didn’t stop me from being attracted to people, or from wanting to spend the rest of my life with someone that I love, or from craving human contact, or from craving sexual fulfillment. All it seemed to do was complicate things for me and everyone around me. I seem to want to try again. I seem to want to have a girlfriend.

I have recently found myself pre-emptively pushing someone away because I thought letting them get closer MIGHT result in emotional turmoil and pain for me. How awful is that? I think I was hoping she’d be assertive enough to press the issue. That she’d be interested enough in me that she’d try anyway. At least suggest that something good might come from the two of us together. Something. I don’t even know what I said. I just know I have to fix it. So, with any luck, I’ll have a “girlfriend” before too long. Hopefully, it will be wonderful and lasting.